I have never been this confused

The past three months were unusual
I was very bothered about my NYSC
About where my posting will be
Where my state of deployment will be
I knew what I do not want
But was confused about what I want
I got a plum job offer at NSN
A job worth maneuvering for
I felt like lobbying for Lagos state
That was the beginning of my confusion
“Is it right or wrong to influence my posting?”
Though I felt it's not very very right
But I concluded that it's not wrong
As long has I do not bribe anyone for it
But will my desperate parents know that limit
“What does God think about all these?”
Have faith and do only the right thing
Now this led to the peak of my confusion
I believe influencing is not wrong
And so must be right
And doing the right thing is not being faithless
Not influencing is more right
But folding my arms is very hard
Having faith is of many levels
One is to abandon everything to God
Another is to submit everything to God
But both involves God taking control
Not influencing will be abandoning
That I won't even bother about the posting
Influencing will be submitting
That regardless of my efforts only God's will be done
And in my opinion both are alright
But I prefer the later
The later will involve my parents and other people
Whom I have little control over their actions
And they all have high tendency to bribe on my behalf
This makes the option I prefer
Most likely not what God will desire me to choose
And now I am most confused about everything

My greatest treasure

There is one thing I treasure greatly
Far more than all other things
The only thing I cling to closely
Its joy in my heart daily rings
My life without is unimaginable
It is the essence of my life
Its importance is simply indescribable
The source of innumerable repreive
The hope I daily walk in
The comfort I never lack
The fortress I live in
The strength beyond my back
In it lies my aspirations
The dreams of who I ought to be
The reward for my perspirations
The assurance of who I will be
My light in every tunnel
My map in every wilderness
Though in it we quarrel
We are quick to seek redress
It might not be the best it can be
But its the best I've ever had
To be so dear in another's plan
The closeness that makes me glad
And it is my relationship with God

NEVER BEEN THIS CLOSE TO CHANGE

The last eight months have been change filled for me
I've been experiencing changes at a rate that dazes me
My entire belief system has been almost totally restructured
My perception of what is Right and Wrong has been altered
I seem detached from my world in a rather more intimate way
A little happy and a little sad are the extremes of my mood sway
I am more concerned with what happens around me than within me
The me I see in my dreams of the future is sometimes uneviable to me
I try to bridge the gap between who I am and who I want to be
I am more moved by what I read and hear than what I see
I constantly neglect the promptings of my emotion
To always enable me make sound and reasonable decision
Though I know cannot keep neglecting it forever
I just don't know if it will be the same me or another
Even my mind seems to have a mind of its own
stealing me away with its unique thoughts and tone
The world seems larger and larger each day
And I become more insignificant in its way
Though I like the man I am growing into
But I do not like the world I am moving into

The World, my generation and history

I remember all the talks about changing the world
That it is my destiny to stand out in my generation
And nothing can be more glorious than rerouting history
At first I believed all these even to every single word
And linked it to the purpose of my existence and creation
I began building my life on this grand appealing theory
But one day I started to examine my life more critically
And I discovered that this theory has got many faults
Infact, I fell for it simply because it promised fame and honour
How can I change the world that runs dismally?
How can I stand out among a group of schmaltz?
Furthermore, history casts lots to choose those it honours
There is more to my existence than changing the world
The world is already experiencing more change than it desires
It will be miserable for me to try to always outwit my peers
Rather, I was created to be a part of the world
To be a responsible citizen with very modest desires
And to be the very change I desire to see in my peers

I can only imagine

I have stopped thinking of the future
The part packed with the most adventure
I've quit looking ten, twenty years ahead
Daydreaming and inventing pain to my head
Trying to peep into my later years
Inserting, in order to make real, some tears
Not that I do not desire a great life
Nor that I care little what I'll be God sparing my life
Not that I do not desire a great life
Nor that I care little from where my greatness will come
Not that I am complacent with no ambition
Nor that I give my future little attention
But looking back ten years and my dreams then
Of what I would be in some years, say ten
And considering who I am now when the years are past
It is futile to dream of days mentally overcast
Days influenced by factors encompassing as the sea
And of which I am uncertain to see
I would rather think and learn from what has happened
Rather than ache my head over that which won't happen
As for my days of ageing
I can only imagine

I remember then, but now...

I remember about six years ago

When I to the LORD came alone

In full surrender and self-crucifixion

Accepting God's redemption and salvation

The spiritual awakening and passion thereafter

The loss of my friends and the pain I caused my mother

How daily I deeply immersed myself in God's word

Desiring a growth that is out of this world

I remember my first lessons on faith

How greatly I desired to be a man of faith

To live a medication free life

To turn things in my favour without strife

Really, I gave all I had in me

But some level of faith seems beyond me

Regardless of the times I miss my goal

I will keep my faith as a burning coal

But now my Christian life is no longer the same

Not that my passion and faith no longer remain

It is just that they are now borne out of soberness

No longer out of energy packed impulse and eagerness

My joy and peace comes from the things I give up

And not from self comparison or the things I take up

Though sobriety gives me great resiliency

But at the risk of a latent complacency

Nobody Knows

No one knows the troubles I've seen
The pains that be as sharp as from a pin
The gloom that often befalls my soul
As though I be beaten by doom's pole
Forcefully making me depression's acquintance
With no hope of permanent acquittance

Only God knows the trouble I've seen
The terrible situations through which I've been
The depth of depression into which I've neen plunged
And the outer fires that have had me scourged
But with great joy I endure every hardship
As God's greatest confirmation of my sonship